Social Anxiety
Why Your Social Anxiety Is So Bad
There’s more to your social anxiety than just the “regular” causes and reasons – read to find out what “it” is
Knowing the root cause isn’t enough to explain why your social anxiety is so bad.
Hopefully, after listening to last week’s podcast episode, “Q&A: What’s the root cause of social anxiety?” you will better understand your social anxiety.
But knowing the root isn’t the same as pulling it out.
Usually, getting to the root cause of something involves fixing a problem.
The toy isn’t working.
Replace the battery.
Problem solved.
Unfortunately, it’s a little bit more complicated for humans. After all, we’re not made of plastic, and we’re not easily fixed in two steps.
So, we will break it all down using a plant analogy. We can name our little anxiety plant Lila.
Lila is not high maintenance, but she likes things done quietly. Otherwise, her nervous system gets activated, and nothing you do will make her feel better. She’s been with you for years now, soaking up your energy.
Let’s figure out why she’s still thriving.
Lila, the plant that thrives against all odds
In “What’s the root cause of social anxiety?” I introduced you to the four main contributors to social anxiety: predisposition, environment, temperament, and psychology.
Let’s take each of those factors and contextualize them to a plant’s life.
In this context, the plant is social anxiety.
The seed = predisposition (biology & genetics)
We’re all wired differently, that much is for certain. If I look at my two kids, they couldn’t be more different from one another. Based on their predisposition, one might be more susceptible to social anxiety than the other.
However, even if that’s the case, a seed alone doesn’t guarantee a plant will grow—it depends on its environment.
So even if one of them might be a perfect candidate for social anxiety, they might never come into contact with it because of the way we’re raising them.
The soil = environment (upbringing, trauma, social conditioning)
Sadly, I don’t have anything close to a green thumb, but even I know that there are different types of soils, each suitable for a particular type of plant and/or climate.
The quality of the soil matters in the health outcome of a plant.
Growing up in a critical or emotionally neglectful environment is like pouring poor, toxic soil on top of a seed; it will stunt growth and weaken the plant.
Meanwhile, being surrounded by a supportive, nurturing environment is like rich, fertile soil that allows resilience and self-worth to thrive.
The water = temperament (sensitivity, introversion/extroversion)
If I see someone cry, I cry. But more so than that, I cry at everything. I’m extremely sensitive, and I can attribute that to my temperament and the environment I grew up in.
It’s a deadly combination.
But as it relates to our little plant, temperament influences how much water it absorbs. Similar to a person, how much you allow tremendously impacts your mindset.
Some people are naturally more sensitive (like a plant that soaks up a lot of water), so they are more affected by their surroundings and by what people say about them.
Others are more resilient and less influenced by environmental stressors.
The sunlight (or lack of it) = psychology (cognitive distortions & thought patterns)
Sunlight is how the plant feeds itself, just as your thought patterns are what feed your state of mind. Feed yourself good thoughts (sunshine), and you’ll thrive. Do the opposite, and well…not that you’ll die, but you certainly will suffer.
If your mind is filled with negative thought patterns, toxic shame, and distortions, it’s like the plant being starved of sunlight, making it weak.
The plant (just like you) can grow strong and healthy with healthy self-perception and cognitive reframing.
Understandably, only you know the type of environment (soil) you grew up in and how it continues to affect you to this day. Only you’re aware of your thought patterns and how they come into play daily (sunlight). So, given that these are all subjective, only you can affirm how deep the roots go, how healthy the soil is, and how much attention you’re giving to the plant.
From a seedling to a social anxiety plant
Let’s be honest, you had no say in the seed’s contents or control over its planting. Heck, you didn’t even know about it for most of your life, as it grew in the background.
Yet, slowly, but surely, it got watered. Fed. Moved around. Killed and brought back to life. And as you finally picked up on its existence, you took over the duties.
For the most part, you probably went years (even decades) not knowing that the people around you and the social interactions you had, had an immense part to play in creating social anxiety. Only now that you’re butting your head against it do you pick up on every little thing that happened to you in the past.
And this plant responds very differently from most other plants, as it’s very much in tune with you (you are Lila, and Lila is you).
It grows with each new negative experience you have
It doesn’t like being ignored or avoided, it then digs deeper roots
It shuns the sunlight because it’s lived most of its life in the dark
As you look at it, you realize that the soil seems to lack ingredients, the plant is shrivelling up because it hasn’t seen the sun in weeks, and you overwatered it so much that it’s still dripping weeks later.
It’s not looking good, that’s for sure.
Lila is taking up most of your living room, but not in a pretty way.
She’s oversized and unruly. You trip over its roots. You rearrange your furniture to fit around it, even though it makes the whole place look like a mess.
What happened?
It grew. Slowly. Over time. At first, it was hidden. Dormant. But then the combination of poor soil, low sunlight, too much water, and the type of seed it is all came to a head.
It’s reached the point of unsustainability if you don’t change your upkeeping habits.
Toxic shame has finally shown its face in the form of this social anxiety plant, and now you have to deal with it, else it will continue to consume you and your life.
The poison that keeps it alive: toxic shame
I know you want to chuck the damn thing. Away with Lila! But it’s no bueno. She’s encroached on your territory. You’re intertwined at this point, and the only way out is to tame the damn thing.
You need to bring it back to its original size, and tend to it with as much love and sunlight as possible, because right now, it’s inhaling toxic fumes.
The plant is being fed a steady stream of poisonous air AKA toxic shame. It’s what’s keeping it alive and kicking.
Every time you try to express yourself, speak up, or show up, a puff of shame is released: “You’re too much.” “You’re not enough.” “You don’t belong.”
That shame settles into your home, your body, your identity. And now, the plant doesn’t just live in your space… it is your space.
Psychiatrist Peter Breggin says toxic shame:
Makes you feel worthless
Triggers constant fear of judgment
Fuels negative self-talk
Keeps you in self-protective mode
Drives you to hide your authentic self
Sound familiar?
Toxic shame keeps the social anxiety plant alive even after you’ve tried to get to the root. Because it doesn’t just exist in the plant—it feeds it.
What does it take to show up confidently?
It’s time to stop sabotaging yourself and start believing you’re worth knowing. Get the tools you need to build social confidence, manage social anxiety, and rock conversations.
Shrink the plant (and maybe rehome it)
You don’t need to live like this forever. You don’t need to burn your house down to get rid of it, either. You just need to take a few steps consistently and compassionately.
Acknowledge the plant
You can’t heal what you won’t name. Own the fact that your social anxiety exists. You didn’t choose it but it’s here. Awareness is the first act of resistance.
Understand its nature
Get curious about how it formed. Learn about the seed, soil, water, and sunlight. The more you understand what fuels your anxiety, the more equipped you are to loosen its grip.
Give it the sunlight it needs
Challenge the thought patterns that feed it. Start catching your inner critic in the act. Reframe. Question. Use tools like CBT or journaling to change the script.
Enrich the soil
Surround yourself with safe people. Set boundaries with those who drain you. Start showing yourself the love and affirmation you didn’t get in your earlier soil.
Tend to the roots
Process old wounds. Get support. Consider therapy. The roots are strong, but not permanent. You can untangle them.
Create better conditions
Feed yourself sunlight. Literally and metaphorically. Learn. Move your body. Meditate. Create. Live aligned with who you really are—not who the plant told you to be.
Final Thoughts
The truth is: the social anxiety plant may always live with you in some form. But it doesn’t have to take up your entire house. It doesn’t need to suffocate your joy.
When you stop feeding it toxic shame and start nurturing yourself with compassion, that’s when real healing begins.
Lila might still be in the corner. But she’s smaller now. Less threatening. Quiet.
And the air around you? Finally, breathable.
Why is your social anxiety so bad? It’s important to understand how it came to be (there are 4 contributing factors to the root cause, so take a few minutes to think about them). Once you have a grasp of that, you’ll have a better understanding of how toxic shame comes into play.
Using a plant analogy, the seed is your predisposition to social anxiety, the soil is the environment you grew up in, and the sun is your thoughts about yourself. As it grows, so does toxic shame (seeps into your system).
Ultimately, toxic shame makes your social anxiety so bad, and you need to address it.
I'm Roxana Claudia
I went from being scared to ask a question out loud to hosting summits online. I love coffee, French crepes, and working from home.
My mission? Help others dismantle their toxic shame so they can make friends, have conversations, and be comfortable around people!
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Hi, I'm Rox!
I spent years struggling with toxic shame, which often showed up as crippling social anxiety. It held me back in so many areas of my life, making me feel unworthy and paralyzed by fear. But through years of self-discovery and healing, I finally found the tools to break free from it.
