Social Anxiety
Living with Social Anxiety in the City (The Everyday Triggers No One Talks About)
Let’s talk about a few situations we all encounter in the city that triggers our social anxiety
Let’s talk about a few situations that can trigger social anxiety in the city.
The 55% of us who live in an urban area find ourselves colliding with strangers, neighbours, and people of all sorts daily. On the subway commute, on the bus, walking home, and so on.
Life in a city is stressful, and adding social anxiety is not cool. Not cool, yo.
I can’t express how much more frequently my social anxiety has been triggered since I moved to Amsterdam a few years ago than when I lived in the American suburbs. And it makes sense.
In America, the majority of people spend their time in cars. To work. To school. To buy groceries. Drive, drive, drive.
So living with social anxiety in a car-based suburb is a very different experience than living with it in a dense, walkable, everyone-in-your-face city.
I learned that the hard way.
I live in a European city, so most of these talking points are from that perspective. But if you live in a city too, we’ll have a lot in common. And if you don’t, then chances are you might in the future, with the projected number being that 68% of us will live in an urban area by 2050.
Alright. First order of business.
Driving in the city
Here are some of the reasons why driving can trigger your social anxiety:
- Fear of judgment. You worry about being judged by others. This can be especially true while driving in a public space where everyone can see you. You may worry about being judged on your driving skills, appearance, or even the type of car you’re in.
- Fear of making mistakes. Driving requires you to make a lot of decisions quickly and accurately. You may worry about making mistakes like running a red light or hitting another car. This fear can lead to anxiety and distraction.
- Fear of losing control. Driving requires you to maintain control of your vehicle and your emotions. You may worry about losing control of it. This fear can lead to anxiety and panic attacks.
In addition, some specific situations can trigger social anxiety while driving:
- Driving in heavy traffic
- Driving on highways
- Driving at night
- Driving with passengers
- Driving in unfamiliar places
Let me share my story about driving in an unfamiliar place and how social anxiety visited me.
I’ll preface this by mentioning that I’ve had my driver’s license since I was 16. I had my first car at 17 and many more after that. Since I moved to Amsterdam in 2019, I’ve fully given up owning a car because we don’t need it here. But sometimes I need to get back behind the wheel, and that’s where I run into nonsense.
Mind you, I do not have a Dutch driving license (which I probably should), which means most of the time I don’t understand the road signs and find myself stuck in a pickle. No matter how often my husband tries to explain them to me, I’m so not used to them, and they go by so fast that I can’t process them.
Amsterdam is a beast. There’s a lot of movement at all times. Pedestrians, tourists, bikers, trams, buses, cars — all moving at the same time in different directions.
Most of the time, I have no clue where I’m going, and my Google Maps has failed me so many times that I have to figure out where to go in the moment.
I remember this one instance when I ended up on a tram line where no cars were allowed. There I was, looking for a way out, but there was none. The road just kept going. I started to panic because 1) I was driving with an American license, and 2) it wasn’t my car, so if the police saw me driving on the tram line, I wouldn’t know how to escape it.
Luckily, no tram came from either side. But oh my gosh, I have serious social anxiety just thinking about that moment.
Here are some things you can do to make it easier on yourself:
- Plan your routes ahead of time to avoid unfamiliar areas. (Though if you’re in a new city and Google Maps fails you, or there’s construction or one-way streets, this might be moot.)
- Drive during off-peak hours to avoid heavy traffic. (Not always possible, depending on your schedule.)
- Listen to calming music or podcasts to distract from anxiety.
- Take breaks often. If you start to feel anxious, pull over somewhere safe and take a few minutes to calm down.
What does it take to show up confidently?
It’s time to stop sabotaging yourself and start believing you’re worth knowing. Get the tools you need to build social confidence, manage social anxiety, and rock conversations.
Biking in the city
The second order of business is biking.
If you don’t know, there are about 1.3 bikes per person in the Netherlands (more bikes than people in this country). Bikes here are the staple of the culture. People bike everywhere, at any time, in any weather. They bike with five kids on the bike while holding another bike, a dresser, flower pots, and so on. It’s almost like seeing a daily circus act over here.
So people bike everywhere with their whole household, and I’m not that strong of a biker. Again, I grew up in America, and it was all about the car.
If you bike in your city, here are some reasons you might experience social anxiety:
- Fear of being judged on your cycling skills, appearance, or even your choice of bicycle. Same as the car example.
- Fear of falling, especially in front of others.
- Fear of traffic — being hit by a car or causing an accident.
- Fear of riding with others, especially strangers — being judged, falling, or unable to keep up.
Here are some situations that are prime for social anxiety on the bike:
When you’re at the red light. It’s as if you’re at a starting line next to 3-4 other bikers, and you all have to file into one row. Not only do you have to be ready so you don’t hold up the others behind you, but you have to make sure that when you push off, you’re not steering too off course (which happens so often I almost hit the person next to me).
When you ding your bell at someone as you pass them. Or, in my case, yell (because I don’t have a bell), and they end up next to you at the next light. Oh boy, is that cringe. There’s no metal between you as there would be in a car, where you can look ahead and pretend nothing happened. I only yell at pedestrians these days.
When you end up going against the grain. Somehow, you missed the road you were supposed to take and ended up on the wrong side of the street. I always die a bit inside when I bike past people who had to move out of their way to make space for me, the intruder.
And that’s the thing about biking: you’re exposed to the world. People can talk to you at any moment; there’s no shelter like the roof of your car.
Self-Checkouts at grocery stores
Yes, I realize these exist in non-urban areas too, but imma talk about them anyway.
They’ve eliminated most of the cashiers here. You do your self-checkout, click at the end, get a receipt, and with that receipt, you open the gate. That’s the only way out of the grocery store.
I don’t know what happened at some point, but I checked out, got the receipt, and lost it. I didn’t move. I was in the same spot, and fun fact: I couldn’t find it for my life.
Then I thought, oh my God, they’re going to think I didn’t pay. I don’t want to pay twice for all this food. And I was already playing out the conversation in my head where they’d say I didn’t have the receipt. Where the hell did it go?
Anyway, I found someone to help me. It was very stressful because I also had to explain what happened in English, which isn’t always easy.
So I understand the whole technology thing at grocery stores, but it can create moments of social anxiety — where you have to ask for help or freeze because something went wrong and people are staring. The feeling of being an inconvenience can be anxiety-inducing.
Here are some reasons social anxiety shows up at self-checkouts:
- Fear of failure: You might worry people think you’re shoplifting if the machine malfunctions. You might also worry about having to ask for help, especially with a long line waiting behind you.
- Fear of incompetence: You might worry you didn’t go through the process properly, didn’t get the receipt, and then have to explain. You’ll probably feel stupid, even though it happens often with the machines.
- Fear of symptoms: If you have to ask for help and you’re frazzled, the words might not come out right, and you might blush. And then that’s a whole new trigger to deal with.
Some specific triggers: when you have a lot of groceries, when you’re shopping with other people, when you’re using a self-checkout for the first time, or when you’ve had a bad experience with one in the past.
Things that have helped me reduce social anxiety around checkouts:
- Choose a self-checkout that isn’t busy so you’re not rushed.
- Bring someone with you to feel more comfortable.
- Go to a sales clerk instead of self-checkout, if there is one.
It's time to challenge social anxiety
Managing your social anxiety starts with not avoiding it. Yes, it’s a painful truth, but sitting at home, hoping it will magically disappear, never worked for anyone.
Start slowly, but start with a task!
Taking out the trash
This probably looks different for all of us depending on where we live, but here’s the setup in Amsterdam.
Most of us don’t have personal garbage bins. There are underground containers on each street — one for cartons, one for glass, and one for regular trash. You have to walk out in all types of weather and put the trash inside the container. You can’t leave the bag outside on the sidewalk when it’s full.
We found out the wrong way. The city went through our trash bag, found a paper with our name on it, and we got fined for leaving it there. So you either take it back home (which sucks if you’re on your way to work and it’s heavy, because you have to lug it back up the steep stairs), or you keep walking down the street until you find a container with space.
So the other day, I had to walk around with this trash bag for like three blocks, looking for containers because I didn’t know where the others were. I’m like, where the hell are these containers? And I’m just walking around with a trash bag, looking lost.
At that point, I got anxious. And then when I tried to put it in a container and it didn’t fit, I had to force it somehow, which was a whole new ordeal. Oh my God, I hate it.
Reasons taking out the trash can bring out social anxiety:
- Fear of being seen as messy or disorganized — your trash visible to others, or spilling something.
- Fear of being approached by strangers or acquaintances while taking out the trash, and feeling pressured to have a conversation.
- Fear of embarrassment — tripping, falling, or dropping something.
A few things that help:
- Choose a time when fewer people are around such as early morning or late at night.
- Take out the trash in batches so it’s less noticeable.
- Take a friend or family member with you for confidence.
- Plan your route ahead of time to avoid potential triggers, like neighbours who are often outside.
Walking the streets as a pedestrian
Lastly, let’s step into the shoes of a pedestrian in a city.
This is the ultimate exposure, isn’t it? You’re bound to run into people you know — or even strangers who give you strange looks for no reason. Being stuck in lines or at crossings can heighten social anxiety if you feel awkward about being there. Especially if you’re lost, staring at your phone, and potentially bumping into people by accident.
Then you’re THAT person, the annoying one who can’t unglue themselves from their phone for a moment to be present in the world.
Reasons walking in a city can bring out social anxiety:
- Fear of being judged on your appearance, clothes, or even how you walk. The worst part is being called out for it. As a woman, I can’t express how often I’ve been stopped or talked to when I was just minding my business.
- Fear of crowds. Cities are densely populated, and being surrounded by people can be a very stressful experience.
- Fear of being approached by strangers and feeling pressured to have a conversation.
- Fear of embarrassment such as tripping, falling, or bumping into someone.
I got used to being ignored as a pedestrian in the States. You can imagine my horror at being placed under the spotlight whenever I cross the street here as if I’m some celebrity. All cars stop for pedestrians, and sometimes I feel like such an inconvenience for making them stop. Worse still, if I’m walking with my 3-year-old who likes to take her time, we’re the only ones crossing the street while everyone waits.
If running into people you know fills you with dread, this post on why you might not want to talk to anyone right now covers what’s actually going on — and when it’s okay to just keep walking.
Social Anxiety in the City vs. the Suburbs
In one way or another, walking in a city can bring out a lot of emotions, triggers, and trauma if you’ve experienced something unpleasant.
I’m not saying there isn’t any social anxiety in the suburbs. But living with social anxiety in the city is more challenging because there are more moving parts out of our control. It’s not like I can press a button, have my garage door open, and walk into my home without ever running into a human.
If you live in an urban area, I’d love to hear what brings out your social anxiety in the city and what you’ve done to manage it. You can reach me on Instagram or shoot me an email at hello@roxanaclaudia.com.
I mention 5 areas that can trigger social anxiety in the city, the reason behind them, and what to do about it. The 5 areas are: driving, walking, biking, self-checkouts, and throwing trash.
I'm Roxana Claudia
I went from being scared to ask a question out loud to hosting summits online. I love coffee, French crepes, and working from home.
My mission? Help others dismantle their toxic shame so they can make friends, have conversations, and be comfortable around people!
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I'm Roxana Claudia
I know what it feels like to believe you’re “not enough” because society tells you to fake it to fit in, succeed, and be noticed. I know what it’s like to be paralyzed by the constant pressure to prove yourself.
I’ve struggled with social anxiety for decades, but I’ve learned that my worth isn’t defined by social approval or societal expectations. After years of battling self-doubt, I’ve chosen to be cringe instead of beige. I’m here to help you address toxic shame, reject the pressure, and live a life true to yourself.
