Let’s talk about confrontation, but more specifically, how to handle the on-the-spot kind, when someone reproaches you out of nowhere, and your brain goes blank.

I have a feeling this is something you also try to avoid as much as possible.

If you have social anxiety, fear of confrontation probably runs your life more than you’d like to admit. Conflict and social anxiety do not go hand in hand.

Socially anxious people might prefer to leave, ghost, or do anything to avoid a confrontation. But it is possible to engage in conflict and still feel at peace with yourself.

It’s not easy. It’s a process. It’s a journey. It takes effort. But there are things you can do. And trust me… my whole life, I did everything to avoid conflict.

Why I apologized even when I was right

I’ve avoided uncomfortable conversations because I didn’t want to upset anybody. I used to be okay with being upset and disappointed at others, but I wasn’t okay with others being disappointed or upset with me.

How dare I speak my truth and share my opinions?

For many years, I’ve allowed other people’s truths and opinions to rule over mine, even when those were damaging to the general well-being of society.

And it comes down to learning how to speak at the right moment in time.

While yes, it’s uncomfortable, conflict does create the change that we all seek.

I hated conflict so much that I tended to apologize even when I knew I was right, just so that it would go away. But I’m here to tell you that the conflict does not go away. It continues deep within us.

We replay the discussion over and over in our heads with logical and reasonable comebacks. We always know what to say after the fact. After we’ve calmed down.

But it’s too late, because by then we already hate ourselves for not having the courage to say anything at the right time.

“If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.”

Because of course, conflict doesn’t magically disappear. We become the outlet.

What this post is (and isn’t) about

This article isn’t about conflict with the people in your life. It’s about on-the-spot conflict. The kind that arises out of nowhere and makes your blood boil instantly.

The moment when you know you should say something, but don’t, because you’re too scared it will lead to you being punched by a stranger. But the alternative of holding it in isn’t much healthier.

I want to walk you through how to handle on-the-spot confrontation so you walk away at peace with yourself.

What most confrontation advice gets wrong

If you Google how to handle conflict, there are many articles, and they’re excellent ones. They all revolve around one core piece of advice:

Whatever you do, do not bottle up your thoughts and emotions. Let the other person know, or else you will implode.

That can be very hard for most of us, especially with social anxiety. So this advice never really worked for me, because I always chose to bottle things up and take the hit.

Those articles contain a lot of good advice, but don’t take everything at face value. You need to assess your temperament and personality and see where it fits.

While I was going through the articles, I realized that none of them address on-the-spot conflicts, where you only have a few seconds to address the other person. Otherwise, the opportunity will be lost forever.

And it’s not about making a good impression, especially if someone does something malicious or unjust.

It’s about saying what you want and going home without feeling like you bottled things up.

Nothing worse for me than to walk away from someone and feel like I wasn’t true to myself. All because I wanted them to like me, or not have a bad impression of me. Ugh. Yuck.

If your default mode is to retreat from any conversation that might get heavy, this post on why you might not want to talk to anyone right now covers what’s actually happening — and when avoidance becomes a problem